After your child has died

Tricia Irving and Andrew Thompson
Published by Skylight

Reviewed by Jess Jamieson, Senior Social Work Practitioner, Paediatric Palliative Care, Starship Children's Health

"What do I do?"
"How can I go on?"
"How will we get through this?"
"What about our other children, how do we support them?"
"Is this normal, am I normal, are we normal, what is normal?"

These are among the many questions asked when parents and families search for a 'pathway’ through grief. We know that the experience of grief is unique to each individual and that each 'pathway' will be different. But there are some common themes that we can draw upon as our knowledge of grief grows.

Parents and extended family members, as well as caregivers, health professionals, counsellors and volunteers working in the areas of grief and loss, often ask about resources that are specific to New Zealand. While there are many excellent books and texts available, it is hard to find something that is small, easily readable and that gives a general guide to the common themes as well as providing resources available in New Zealand.

After your child has died has been written by Tricia Irving and Andrew Thompson, both of them with extensive experience in supporting parents and families through the grief and loss of precious children. This small book is an excellent resource for parents and caregivers. It provides a broad overview of grief and it draws upon the generously shared experiences of other parents. It acknowledges some of the means that parents use to maintain a ‘changed relationship’ with a child who has died and it gives a general guide to good self-care.

This book also provides an excellent guide to supporting children, teenagers and young adults who are grieving. Our experience as health professionals tells us that this is an area that many parents find particularly hard, especially at a time when they are heavily grieving but also want to provide the very best support possible for their other children. The book lists some of the things to look and to listen for, and it offers tips for helping; a resource which parents will find invaluable.

Tricia and Andrew have also given a list of some of the support services that may be available in local communities. Skylight, in particular, is noted as a national agency that provides information on what resources are available at a local level. The book also provides an extensive guide to other books, which may be helpful to parents and families.

This is a well-researched and well-written book, which will be an invaluable resource for New Zealand parents and families. Our thanks to the many families who have contributed their experiences, which have been so sadly gained but generously given.

Copies of After your child has died can be obtained from:

Skylight, PO Box 7309, Wellington South
Phone 0800 299 100, Fax 04 939 4759
Email: ad@skylighttrust.org.nz, or visit www.skylight.org.nz where it can be ordered on-line. The book costs $10 plus postage and packing.